Mass Effect (Abridged)
by Iwritereviews
Summary: Now with no chemical additives. Starts with ME1 and goes forward. For the purposes of this parody I am using my canon Paragon FemShep. FemShep/Garrus. Also Dr. Chakwas/Anderson. Am open to suggestions for other pairings. Rated T for swearing and implied sexual content.


_**For the purposes of this parody, I'm using my canon paragon FemShep. This is only a parady. I own nothing**._

**HACKET**, **UDINA**, and **ANDERSON** are all talking offscreen, while we are treated to a very pretty picture of Earth from space.

**ANDERSON**: Shepard will be our main character!

**HACKET**: Well, she is pretty awesome.

**UDINA**: She's an outrage!

**ANDERSON**: I hate you already.

_Suddenly, we're on a ship, and Seth Green is the pilot_.

**JOKER**: I get to be snarky!

**KAIDAN**: Why do I want fried peanut-butter and banana sandwiches?

**NIHILUS**: I'm an alien! Aaaaaand now I'm offscreen.

**JOKER**: Man, it's a good thing this isn't a Whedon production, I might actually get to live through the whole series.

**WASH** and **AGENT COULSON**: Ouch.

**WHEDON** **FANS**: Too soon!

**SHEPARD**: Am I a Paragon or a Renegade...?

**ANDERSON** (_via comm_): Joker! Do spaceship things!

**JOKER**: For Great Science, I fly the ship! Also, have some paranoia for the lulz.

**SHEPARD**: ...

**JOKER**: ...

**SHEPARD**: ...

**JOKER**: ...

**KAIDAN**: Uh, Commander?

**SHEPARD**: Paragon it is!

**JOKER**: Aw yeah!

**ANDERSON** (_via comm_): Shepard! Come to the communications room for plot!

**SHEPARD**: Sweet! But first, let's talk to NPC'S and wander around looking at stuff!

_Fifteen minutes later..._

**SHEPARD**: Wow, Dr. Chakwas is pretty hot for an old broad... Oh, hey alien dude.

**NIHILUS**: Humans are silly.

**ANDERSON**: Your mother.

**NIHILUS**: What?

**ANDERSON**: Oh look, the plot!

_**SHEPARD** learns that the **NORMANDY** **SR-1** is on its way to **EDEN** **PRIME** to find a **PLOT** **DEVICE**. She also learns that **NIHILUS** is there to see if she's cool enough to join his club._

**JOKER**: Candygram!

**TRANSMISSION**: OH GOD WHY I'M BURNING MAKE IT STOP- *static*

**SHEPARD**: ...wait, was that Cthulu?

**NIHILUS**: I have mandibles!

**ANDERSON**: Go shoot things. Take Kaidan with you.

**KAIDAN**: Nice!

**NIHILUS**: Not it!

**SHEPARD**: Aw man!

**KAIDAN**: Hey!

**JENKINS**: Wait, I have actual lines and a name? Oh thank you sweet plot gods, I'm a real chara- *dies*.

**SHEPARD**: (leroy) JEEEEEENNNKKIIIIIINNNSS! Oh, hey, I leveled up!

**KAIDAN**: ...

**SHEPARD**: Did you hear something?

**ASHLEY**: I HATE ALL THE THINGS ABOUT THIS ASSIGNMENT!

**SHEPARD**: Let's go save that chick in the ugly pink armor.

**KAIDAN**: Gogo Power Rangers!

**ASHLEY**: You're not an alien, so I like you. Have some exposition.

**SHEPARD**: Awesome.

**KAIDAN**: Gaaaaaay...

_**SHEPARD** and company make their way to the dig site, where they find the **PLOT** **DEVICE** has been moved, and also there are space zombies._

**SHEPARD**: AGH! Zombies! In space! *kills them*

**KAIDEN**: Look, survivors!

**ASHLEY**: Let's traumatize the mentally disturbed one!

**DR. WARREN**: Your **PLOT DEVICE** is in another castle. Also, Dragon Age referrence.

**MANUEL**: I'm foreshadow-y!

**SHEPARD**: Bored now. Gimme your stuff so I can go kill things.

_Meanwhile, **NIHILUS** meets up with **SAREN**, who demonstrates rule number five in the Villian Handbook and murders **NIHILUS** while looking appropriately sinister_.

_Back with **SHEPARD** and company..._

**SHEPARD**: Look, more survivors!

**COLE**: Aliens! Attacking! Scary Noises!

**KAIDEN**: Yeah, we got that part.

**BLAKE**: GUNS! We smuggle them.

**COLE**: _Goddammit Krillin._

**SHEPARD**: Guilt trip tiiiiime!

**ASHLEY**: I hate smugglers. I hope you die horribly.

**SHEPARD**: Guuuuiiiiillltt triiiiiiiiiiip

**COLE**: Powell has the good stuff, down by the spaceport. Now please stop judging me.

**ASHLEY**: No.

**SHEPARD**: Bored again. Let's find something to shoot.

**KAIDAN**: I feel sorta useless...

**SHEPARD**: You sure do.

**KAIDAN**: Hey!

_A few space zombies later..._

**KAIDAN**: Oh no, Nihilus!

**ASHLEY**: Oh no, a turian!

**KAIDAN**: He's dead!

**ASHLEY**: Oh, never mind then.

**SHEPARD**: Damn, now I'll never get to join his fancy club.

**POWELL**: Don't shoot me!

**SHEPARD**: ...You're a smuggler!

**POWELL**: _Goddammit Krillin_.

**ASHLEY**: You smuggling bastard.

**SHEPARD**: Guuiilt triip!

**POWELL**: I feel like I've somehow disappointed my mom. Take my stash. Also, there was another turian here and he shot your friend.

**SHEPARD**: Sorry wasn't paying attention. I wonder where this train thing goes...

_Another bit of fighting later and we see **SAREN** showing off more of his impressive knowledge of the Villian Handbook._

**SAREN**: Let's blow up the colony after I use the **PLOT DEVICE**. Also, leave it here when I'm done and don't try to unplug it or whatever.

**GETH**: rrdle bzzchrck.

**SAREN**: Haha, you are so cute.

_Back to **SHEPARD**..._

**SHEPARD**: Ooooh, shiny buttons! I wonder what will happen if I press them randomly?

**KAIDAN**: You're kidding, right?

**ASHLEY**: That's a bomb, numbnuts!

_**SHEPARD** somehow manages to disarm all the bombs, despite being a soldier with no training in how to dismantle what is presumably a weapon of mass destruction._

**KAIDAN**: Finally, the beacon. We can finish this mission.

**SHEPARD**: Stealing from civilians, don't care.

**ASHLEY**: But the plot-

**SHEPARD**: Lalala can't hear you over the sound of my looting.

**KAIDAN**: This is ridiculous. I'm grabbing the thing.

**ASHLEY**: Gross.

**KAIDAN**: I meant the beacon!

_Suddenly, the beacon traps **KAIDAN** in green space light. **SHEPARD**, being heroic and main character-y, jumps in to save him._

**SHEPARD**: Do I have to?

**KAIDAN**: Hey!

Yes. Yes you do.

**SHEPARD**: Dammit. Hang on Kaidan, I'll rescue you!

**KAIDAN**: *swoons* Oh my hero!

**ASHLEY**: Gaaay!

**SHEPARD**: OW SWEET BABY JESUS THIS HUR- wait, what the hell? Is this thing trying to show me weird japanese snuff porn?

_**SHEPARD** is knocked unconcious by the space light, and we get to see_ **SAREN** and some shadowy blue boobs that talk.

**BENEZIAH**: So, like, the colony wasn't, like, destroyed, and like, this human chick totally touched your beacon.

**SAREN**: Dammit! I hate it when other people touch my things! I'm the only one allowed to play with my beacon!

**BENEZIAH**: Well, damn, and here I was hoping to get, like, laid on this trip.

**SAREN**: What?

**BENEZIAH**: What?

**GETH**: Gddrackl chck.

**SAREN**: Oh! Oh. Oooohhhh.

**BENEZIAH**: Whatever...

_Back on the **NORMANDY SR-1**_

**DR. CHAKWAS:** You were unconcious for 15 hours.

**KAIDAN**: My bad.

**SHEPARD**: Yep.

**KAIDAN**: No, rea- wait, what?

**DR. CHAKWAS**: You blew up the **PLOT DEVICE**.

**SHEPARD**: Aw man, now I'm REALLY not getting in to that fancy club.

**KAIDAN**: We had to carry you back to the ship.

**SHEPARD**: Why are you even here? Don't you have... duties... or something?

**KAIDAN**: My overwhelming and misplaced sense of guilt kept me here until I knew you weren't a vegetable. Then I stuck around to watch you sleep. Girls like that, right?

**SHEPARD**: ...hehe... duties...

**DR. CHAKWAS**: Your brain is, as we say in the medical field, "scrambled".

**SHEPARD**: Oh, well that explains the snuff porn.

**DR. CHAKWAS**: Do share later, will you?

**KAIDAN**: Wha-

**ANDERSON**: Chakwas.

**DR. CHAKWAS**: Anderson.

**ANDERSON**: How's that frigid black hole you call a heart holding up?

**DR. CHAKWAS**: Better than your ability to get an erection, for sure.

**SHEPARD**: Oh I do not need to hear this.

**KAIDAN**: I need a stiff drink.

**DR. CHAKWAS**: I know where you can get a 'stiff' one.

**ANDERSON**: In your underwear drawer?

**KAIDAN**: My ears.

**DR. CHAKWAS**: Well certainly not in yours.

**KAIDAN**: They bleed.

**SHEPARD**: Yeah, I'm gonna go...

_**END PART ONE**_


End file.
